This blog is a long time coming and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to sit down and write it. So much has happened between the time I left and since coming home for the Christmas season it’s hard for me to begin where to start.
In my last post I explained some of my experiences at the world race training camp. It was an intense week for me and one that was rich in intimacy with the Spirit. I explained the challenges of being confronted with spiritual warfare and the peace and joy that came by soaking in the presence of the Father. Also in that week came an invitation that I wasn’t expecting. About halfway through the week during an evening message the Lord invited me to go on the race. I didn’t know what to think or do and I was confused. I kept asking God to give me a direct answer as to whether he wanted me to go or not and the thought “this wasn’t part of the plan, Lord” kept going through my mind, but as I sat on the floor listening to the speaker repeat time and time again that this was an invitation, something in me kept swelling up. It was like my spirit was crying out “YES! I say yes!”
You see the race did appeal to me and on many levels. The selfish side of me thought “I finally get to see the world” while my heart kept thinking “what an opportunity to serve the least of these.” But that wasn’t what the Lord was saying. He was inviting me to go on the race because as much as I longed to see the world and serve others I longed just as much if not more to receive healing for deep wounds and a broken heart. And it was for that reason that I felt as though he was inviting me to go.
After our guest speaker finished I went straight to my team leader’s cabin to discuss my future plans with them and the rest of my team. They responded with joy and excitement in what the Lord was doing as well as sadness for the delay it put on my arrival to Cambodia. The following day I approached one of the directors for the race and told him what I believed God was doing. He got back to me the following day and gave me permission to apply for and set up my interviews to leave on the race this January. Upon my return to the AIM office I applied and was set up for my first interview the next week. After that and a couple weeks later I had my second interview and after a few days of waiting I received an email from my team leaders who wanted to set up a time to Skype.
In a cramped and crowded internet café in the small town of San Juan, Guatemala my team leaders informed me of the decision that I was not accepted to go on the race. A dream that was less than a month old but one I was sure was of the Lord came to a halt. It was explained to me that some of those very things that I wanted freedom from and thought that it would come through the race were the very things keeping me from going.
For those who don’t know my full testimony some of these things might not make a lot of sense and it’s my desire to share my story with you, but in the Lords time and not mine. For those who have heard my story you also know the areas of my life that I have struggled in and have hoped for freedom from.
It was suggested that I take part in a four month long program in Abilene, TX that focusses on inner healing. Through several different means it is the intent of the program to get me along with others who have been on the race to a place of healing and walking fully in our identities as children of God. It is my hope as well as the hope of my teammates, and leaders that upon finishing the program at the end of April I will be ready to leave for Cambodia.
As time has passed since finding these things out and since starting my new course God keeps reminding me that His ways are not my ways (Isa. 55:8-9). It is not an easy thing to navigate. I have felt so sure of what the Lord is asking me to do and where He is sending me only to have plans change and then I find myself on a different path then what I had thought the Lord was putting me on. And as hard as it is for me to let go of the reigns and just follow it, it is also freeing to know that I don’t have to have it all figured out just yet. He is showing me step by step the direction and plans He has for my life.
His timing is also not my timing. I’ve stopped being in such a rush to get to Cambodia. I’m learning to just be with Him and enjoy the ride. It’s not always an easy ride but it is the one He is taking me on. I know His plans are for good and not to harm and I know that they are to give me hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). And it’s a lot easier to just be and let him handle all the details then to try and force your way with things.
I spent the month of November in Guatemala with the AIM team and on the base they have there and I’ll write another post about my time and experiences from the month, but one thing I do want to say is that I learned so much about God as Father. And I know that because of my time there I have been set up for success for my time away in Texas. I’m going in more aware of the Spirit and with a greater understanding of my Abba.
I’m looking forward to these next months. I’ve given my life to the Lord to do as He sees fit and I will be faithful in following Him just as He is faithful to complete the good work in me that he has begun (Phil. 1:6).
Come, Lord Jesus!
Matthew
